We might mutter and moan about Generation Z, with their supposed entitlement and screen dependency, but what about the wisdom they have to share with us? To mark this Mother's Day, journalist and author Sarah Catherall, reflects on six valuable lessons she's learning from her three 20-something daughters.
1. Parenting young adults is the best chapter yet
It was fun when they were young – taking them to music classes and storytime at the library, organising cute birthday parties (always pink) and watching them prance around on stage in their dance shows. I was a proud mother, but it was also a blur of exhaustion and hard work, worsened in the teenage years: dealing with hormones, boyfriends, curfews, and school dramas, and when those cute birthday parties with fairy dust turned into full-blown parties with alcohol, gatecrashers, and a big mess to clean up afterwards.
I sobbed fat tears when my youngest left home, turning me into an empty nester. But those emotions were short-lived. I came to value the short bursts of connection when we did spend time together, doing things I'd never imagined when I was changing nappies or spooning spaghetti Bolognaise onto dinner plates – hanging out over a glass of bubbles, enjoying a delicious meal cooked by them – they’re all foodies – or a walk in the bush and a chat. Most of all I never knew there'd come a time when I’d learn from and be inspired by three young women who also happen to be my daughters.
2. It’s fun to travel on your own
When I was the age of my eldest daughter, I left New Zealand for London. At 26, I hopped on a plane with a close girlfriend, clutching my passport and lugging my backpack as I went to explore the world. The idea of going on my own was unfathomable. I didn’t even know how to be on my own.
A month ago, my eldest left her life in Melbourne on a one-way ticket to New York and Europe, on her own. “What, you’re not going with a friend?’’ I asked.
“Yes Mum, I want to do as much solo travel as possible.’’ She’s got friends to see, but she’s had a few nights in hostels on her own, where she met cool people – and other solo travellers like herself.
Wow, I thought, if my daughter can do this, so can I. And I’ve booked a trip with a couple of nights on my own for later this year. I’m excited!
3. You’re allowed to love the body you have
I spent most of my twenties worried about my body. I worked out at the gym, watched what I ate, and measured my waistline, striving to keep it to 24 centimetres, horrified if it expanded any further. As a Gen X woman, thin was in, and I was more worried about my body shape than whether I was healthy. All this self-obsession was dashed when I fell pregnant with my first daughter, and my body turned from something flawed to something incredible that was growing another human being.
It took me almost three decades have an insight that my daughters seem to have been born with. They exercise for health reasons and get out into nature for walks. In the 25 years since I’ve been a mother, I haven’t heard a single complaint about a body part not being right, or good enough, nor have I heard the word “diet’’.
After all the pressure of being perfect partners, employees and mothers, we Gen X women are now in mid-life, and we’re supposed to have faces and bodies that look decades younger. Yes, I get Botox and die my hair, but beyond that, my daughters make me feel good about ageing. They don’t see my lines and pigmentation spots as failures. Instead, they comment on the person I am, and the qualities I bring to them and the world.
3. You can be open about therapy and mental health
At their age, I had health anxiety which kept me awake at night but I wasn’t open about it. I didn’t get therapy or go on medication because there was such shame attached to that kind of thing in the 1990s.
My daughters talk openly about mental health – theirs and their friends.
“I’m feeling a bit flat,’’ I told one recently, and she replied with, “Mum, are you okay? Why don’t you see more of your friends?’’ Great advice from my wise 23-year-old.
4. You are complete without a partner
At 20, 23, and 26 – their ages – I was either in a relationship, dating, or looking for the next guy I thought would complete me. I met their father when I was 25, and before that I seemed to endure an endless rollercoaster of love and heartbreak. I probably spent just a few weeks single in that entire time, during which I felt inadequate.
Two of my daughters are in long-term relationships and the eldest is happily single. Yes, she likes dating and would ultimately like to be with someone, but she doesn’t feel less of a person, like one half of a whole, as I did, because she’s not in a relationship.
5. Your career is not your identity
Growing up in the eighties, my generation was sold the lie that “girls can do anything’’ which turned into the notion that “girls can do everything’’. Gen X women have suffered from what has been called “superhuman syndrome’’. Over the years, we've absorbed the idea that we should have perfect children, relationships, and a Pinterest-perfect home – and all juggled with the biggest prize of all: a glittering, fulfilling career.
My daughters are equally committed to study and careers, but they have a much healthier approach to work: it’s one part life, and their friends, wellbeing and happiness are equally important. They don’t live to work like I did at their age. Now I’m freelancing and self-employed, I think of their mantra, and try not to take it personally if the work doesn’t fly in the door.
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