Seven months after contracting a life threatening MRSA infection, Crusaders star Tamaiti Williams is still coming to terms with the medical ordeal.
"People ask how I'm feeling and I tell them I'm still going through it," Williams said.
"We've been in survival mode, doing whatever we could to get through, but now I'm finally starting to stack some days together."
In recent weeks, the 26-year-old has been cleared to start rehabilitation alongside the Crusaders' medical team.
All Black Tamaiti Williams opens up about life-threatening illness - Watch on TVNZ+
Williams spent four months in and out of hospital battling a bacterial infection he originally thought was a "back niggle".
"I knew it was bad when the meds weren't working. I thought people thought I was crazy cause of the pain I was in," he said.
"I don't want to say dark days, but tough days... days full of pain and the unknowns were scary as well."
Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) doesn't respond to most common antibiotics. In Williams' case, the infection had "set up shop" in his back and started eating away at the discs.
"They said I could be in a wheelchair. But luckily it was my upper back... if it was in my lumbar spine, it would've been a different story."
An 'uncertain' recovery process
Crusaders doctor Hamish Reid said the seriousness of Williams' condition became apparent very quickly.
"At worst, MRSA can kill you. And that's the reality of what it was like in the first couple of weeks," Reid said.
"He was really, really unwell and the bug had spread around his blood."
The most challenging part of the ordeal was when Williams was finally released from hospital – only for the superbug to come back with a vengeance.
Williams had to undergo surgery with four large screws put in his spine to stabilise it.
"I think the hardest part of the process has been the uncertainty," Reid said.
"He's not at the point yet where he's finished all his treatment so having a condition come back, you treat it with a much longer tail... to really, really reduce the chance [of it returning]."
'Blindsided' by withdrawal symptoms
Alongside the physical pain came significant mental challenges, with Williams revealing he struggled with withdrawal symptoms.
"That one caught me blindsided," he said.
"I'd been on a lot of pain meds for a long time. When I got out of hospital, I went cold turkey. It probably wasn't the smartest thing, but I'd had enough.
"I just wanted to see my wife. If someone walked into the room and I didn't know them, I'd get worried."
The prop said the experience had reinforced the importance of seeking help.
"I'd be stupid to think I can just move on from it," Williams said.
"I've got a lot of support and a lot of mentors around me... but I'll be keen to see someone (a therapist).
"I want to show it's not weak to speak out. It might not be hard today, but tomorrow could be different, so we'll put a plan in place and see the right people."
Rolling with the punches
While rugby remained a long-term goal, Williams and the Crusaders were putting his overall well-being first.
"Rugby's one thing in life, but being healthy and functional comes before that," Reid said.
"The priority has been getting him back to being a happy, healthy person who can support his family before we look to rugby."
Williams had already lost around 20kg of muscle during the ordeal and faced months of rehabilitation to rebuild his body.
"I've accepted that. I know there's a lot of hard work that needs to go in. I'll stay open-minded and just roll with the punches," he said.
He hoped to take part in a Crusaders pre-season for the first time in five years, although after everything he endured, simply getting back on his feet was a victory in itself.
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