Northland artist Sheree Wagener has spoken about the "terrifying" health journey that formed the inspiration for her upcoming Auckland art exhibition.
Speaking to 1News, Wagener said she gave birth to her daughter at the age of 30 — then two years later "had what doctors would describe as a mental breakdown".
"Thirteen years ago my life imploded as my body violently purged itself of 30 years of holding on and not facing anything that upset me," she said.
"It led to seizures, hallucinations, food allergies, and a million tears. Then came the fear of my own body, no trust, anxiety and agoraphobia."
Wagener said for years she had to be medicated if she wanted to leave her home.
She couldn't even take her daughter to the end of her driveway to get on the school bus.
"I didn't have a traumatic life, yet I was having a complete breakdown."
'My body was trying to kill me'
Wagener, now 45, said this went on for a decade until she began focusing on connecting with nature and her art.
"I went small, to look up was terrifying, I went to nature, to the forest floor and watched the tiny macro world, it was all that I could deal with.
"I still had 24/7 anxiety but at least there it wouldn't erupt into a daily panic attack."
She said doctors constantly tried to tell her she was depressed, but her baseline had "always been joy".
"I was definitely terrified but not depressed."
'I am grateful every day for my road to hell and back'
Wagener said she feels like she pretty much missed her whole 30s.
Now, she's in an "amazing, healed" space with a huge amount of knowledge on who she is.
"My 40s are amazing, I feel free and so in touch with who I am, so aware of who I am.
"I spend every day visiting with nature, the more I stared at their details and studied their lives, the more beauty I saw, the more joy I found in the chaos, the more I could accept this world and my part in it until I was comfortable again in my own skin, in my little place on this planet."
Wagener said her advice to people who may be going through something similar is not to hide from it.
"Everyone's transition phase will have a different subject and heading, this was mine.
"Don't block it or hide it if you can, do the work, the uncomfortable beautiful work."
Wagener's health journey features heavily in her first solo Auckland art exhibition this month.
She said the exhibition is the culmination of everything she's learned about the world, and herself over the past decade.
"I wanted to write stories that resonated with the many creatures I love and see or hear in my everyday life.
"The presence of plants, animals and nature saved me, the quiet, tiny perfect amongst the roaring terror that was my body.
"This exhibition is all brown, green, and gold to represent the earth, the sun, wood, and clay."
Her exhibition begins on the evening of Friday, May 12 and will run till the end of month.
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