Parents at war: How to keep your kids out of your messy divorce

The personal life of Opposition Leader Chris Hipkins made headlines this week but, aside from the need to hold a press conference, there's nothing rare about a messy marriage breakdown. Today we republish 1News reporter Emma Hildesley's feature on how to best navigate separated co-parenting, while minimising children's distress. First published in June 2025, the following is not related to Hipkins' specific situation, but may resonate with some of the 6000 Kiwi parents who separate this year.

Of all the messages in author and therapeutic mediator Jill Goldson's book Child Inclusion in Parenting Dispute Mediation, perhaps the strongest is the importance of keeping children out of court in the separating process.

Goldson believes firmly that, in most cases, a drawn-out court case in which children witness their parents disagreeing about their care is unnecessary and, often, damaging.

That's not to say professional counselling help isn't required if there's conflict between separating parents. The good news is that, for Kiwis under a certain income bracket, such a service is funded (details below). And for those who can afford to pay – it's still relatively cheap.

The resolution process will look different for each family but, Goldson says, allowing children to participate in it has profound benefits for parents and kids alike.   

"Children are less stressed and anxious when they're able to be involved in discussions about their care after separation," says Goldson.

"Parents tend to lower their conflict and more readily reach agreement about their child when they can really hear what the children are saying about their experience."

 And ideally that experience doesn't mean, "being stuck between warring parents who have different views on who should have the children", as this is an emotionally disruptive and upsetting experience for children.

Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) is a service where an independent mediator helps parents, guardians, and whānau discuss issues and try to reach an agreement over issues such as who a child or children live with, and how frequently they move between their parents' homes.

According to the Ministry of Justice, families usually can't apply to the Family Court to deal with a dispute unless they've already tried to resolve it through the FDR process.  

Mediation is fully funded below a certain income threshhold; and even if your income is too high to receive the funding, it still costs less than a private therapist or counsellor, and considerably less than court processes and legal representation.  

Conflict can arise during the separation process if parents have opposing or conflicting beliefs about what’s best for the child. The major one is who the child should live with and for how much of the week.   

"Obviously children will do best when safely attached to both their parents," says Goldson.

But the situations are often complex and untangling the many variables can be too hard for a separating couple to do peacefully, without a qualified mediator.

In Goldson's view, a good starting point is to focus on what your ex-partner is to the child, rather than what they were or should have been to you.

Or as Goldson says, "Ensure your child knows that, regardless of grief or conflict, you cherish them as the joint product of both you and the other parent."  

Co-parenting doesn't just relate to emotional issues, but practical ones too. Goldson outlines an ideal in which both parents are equally involved and informed about all matters relating to the child, including school, health and general wellbeing.  

Lydia Barnett*, a separated mother of one, says it helps if parents can (within reason) liase over issues like bedtimes, screen time, junk food, friends and homework, coming to a general consensus while also respecting each other's right to parent in their own unique way.

This mature attitude may take some effort to reach, but it's really not optional.

"Whilst parents can choose not to be partners anymore," writes Goldson. "They of course remain co-parents of their child."

In a case study from Goldson's book, an 11-year-old was nervous about upsetting both parents as "they don't want to hear about what I do at the other parent's house".  

This forces a child into a miserable scenario where they feel free to share only half of their life with either one of their parents.

Barnett points out that, just as some children feel unable to talk about life at the other parent's house, others might feel pressure to report on what goes on there, as some parents actively use their child to seek information about the other parent.

This can get extremely tricky, especially if new partners are involved.

Again, it's a matter of the parent coming to terms with the end of the relationship so that they can be neutral about issues such as new partners, or what their ex-partner is doing/saying/spending money on. (And if they don't 'feel' neutral, the goal is to 'act' neutral.)

Ideally, a child is able to talk freely about their life with the other parent, without feeling like that information is having too great an impact on the parent they’re talking to.  

In cases of severe parental alienation, children don't just lose one parent, but everyone in the rejected parent's wider family as well.  

"Grandparents' hearts are also broken by deep family conflict," Goldson says.

Not only do they miss out on caring for the child and building on that bond but "the children are potentially losing out on an entire cultural heritage to which it was their birth right to belong," says Goldson.

She reminds separating parents to guard against any disagreement or conflict impacting extended family relationships.  

"Whilst conflicted separation is very distressing and disrupted, it can be worked through and resolved. Family mediation is often the key to this."