As Paulette Crowley prepares to celebrate her tenth Christmas without alcohol, she remembers the agony of the very first one and reflects on lessons from the past decade.
Eyeing up my first Christmas as a sober woman I was trepidatious, to say the least. Of course, I was prepared to distract myself from boozy temptations – taking my own alcohol-free drinks, focusing on food and friends instead of grog, and planning to leave functions early were part of my strategy to protect my hard-won sobriety.
But despite the undeniable carnage alcohol had caused in my life for decades, part of me still wondered what Christmas Day would look like without bubbly for brekkie, wine with lunch or a (fair) few Baileys to carry me into the night.
It turned out my game plan was redundant on Christmas Day in 2015. At 1.10pm, 10 months into my sobriety, I was told my Dad had died. Tragic yes, but what did this have to do with my sobriety? Everything.
Dad was a complex character. Seriously intelligent, shrewd, sensitive and successful in many areas of his life, he was ultimately felled by his biggest foe – alcohol. At 57 years of age he was diagnosed with a form of dementia attributed to his alcohol use. Being young and relatively robust, he didn’t die from the disease until he was 69.
I really didn’t want to end up like him but fate dictated that alcoholism was something I was destined to experience. However from a young age, I vowed I would die sober, something Dad never managed. Achieving sobriety has been the best thing I’ve ever done.
Navigating the season sober
So here I am, staring down the barrel of my 10th sober Christmas. What I have learnt about how to navigate what really is a silly season? Plenty.
I’ve learnt that going into this time of year in a state of overwhelm and stress is a terrible idea if you want to stay sober. Of course, that’s easier said than done when our working year is set up to “get everything done” by Christmas. We often do this while juggling end-of-year school events and child-care challenges. We’re dog-tired after slogging all year, desperately needing a break. Enter the festive season, where we can kick our heels up and live a little. It’s so easy to overdo it when you’re tired, grumpy and fed up with constant pressure.
Back when I was drinking, I was never one to turn down a get-together, so I accepted every Christmas party invitation and always stayed out until late. My favourite night of all was Christmas Eve when work was done and dusted for the year and all the last-minute jobs were finished. In my pre-parent days I’d hit my favourite bar with my mates and never remembered coming home. I’d kick myself on Christmas morning because I was so hungover, but a hair of the dog that bit me – usually Lindauer – always helped. By the time New Year’s Eve had come and gone, I was exhausted and could barely recall the last month. I’d staunch my guilt and remorse with resolutions for the New Year that would inevitably fail after a week. It was exhausting.
I now make sure I enter the festive season in a state of calm, or at least not in a frenzied, overwhelmed state. That largely means doubling down on self care, prioritising regular sleep, good nutrition, exercise and avoiding stress as much as possible. The latter involves drawing strong boundaries around what I agree to take on in terms of work deadlines and social invitations. Back in my boozing days, I was notorious for saying yes to everything. I wanted to smash the work projects, spring clean the house and be the life of the party. Some years I’d throw my own Christmas bash, just to keep the insanity rolling.
I also try to keep Christmas Day as low-key as possible. The focus is on family and food, with booze wholly off the table in most instances. If people I’m with want alcohol, they provide it themselves, while I stick to cranberry juice mocktails or my usual soda.
Am I a Christmas Grinch now that I’m sober? Nope, nope and nope. I’ve never been more present to participate and enjoy celebrations. My family doesn’t have to witness my blurry, slurry former pissed self stumbling through the day, drink by drink. I am not stressed to the max with a fried nervous system from overwhelming myself with obligations in December. I’m ready for a holiday but not desperate for one.
This year will be even more of a special sober Christmas, as we mark a decade since Dad died. I will take myself off to a special Pōhutukawa tree on a nearby beach, a place where I sit and remember him. I’ll have a chat with him about life and tell him how grateful I am that I’m sober. Although he struggled to kick alcohol, he was always supportive of my efforts to get sober when I was younger. He knew what a toll booze had taken on me and deep down, on himself.
I’ll take a Christmas mince pie and a can of lemonade down with me and will drink to good (sober) health with my Dad. I hope he’s proud of me.
Waiheke-based Paulette Crowley is a journalist, focusing on health, and a registered mental health coach.
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