I signed up for an off-line, in-person matchmaking service that employs the rules of 'intentional dating', no swiping, texting or even photos allowed. By Polly Wenlock
On the surface, the process of signing up to Shortlist is not dissimilar to that of filling out a dating app profile; I shared the basics: My name, age, religious background, hobbies etc, as well as answering a few more niche prompts: What room of the house represents me and why?
Based on the information Shortlist founder Sophia Berry-Smith gathers from this profile, as well as a lengthier zoom call, she will assign me a match from the 'shortlist' of candidates available in the dating pool she has curated.
Berry-Smith – who credits her matchmaking ability to a career in PR and a strength in interpersonal comms – warned me that the right person might not enter the dating pool immediately, that it may be weeks, even months, before she finds a date she sees as a good match for any candidate.
Fortunately for me, this is not the case, as within a week of filling out my profile (Polly, 23, likes long walks on the beach at sunset), she'd contacted me to say a potential match had been found if I was interested.
Talking on the phone before texting
After reading the small profile Berry-Smith sent me, I approved the sharing of my phone number, then sat back and waited for the call to come through: a requirement of the Shortlist service is that a phone call be made between the prospective couple before any date/texting takes place.
While typically the time texting allows you to respond is a comfort, the necessity of first contact being made through a call was refreshing, forcing me to respond authentically and ensuring my date was equally legitimate (and not relying on some AI service or overwrought line, which are both apparently growing issues in app-dating).
We spoke briefly, covering the necessary pre-date-non-serial killer-vibe-check and set up a date for mini-golf the following week.
Come the date, I still had no idea what my match looked like and only a hazy idea of his personality.
While this was daunting, the amount we then had to discuss because we knew so little about each other actually highlighted how often app-dating kills conversation by getting all kinds of talking points out of the way online, often leaving nothing but speculation on the weather and the state of the economy to sustain a date.
I was immediately surprised at just how much we had in common, things Berry-Smith couldn't have foreseen: Not only did we have a very niche sandwich order, a one-off onstage Vegas experience, and borderline identical tattoos in common, I'm also 75% sure I own the exact jeans he was wearing.
We made the most of the weekend's sunny weather and played a round of minigolf at Auckland's Lilliput on Tāmaki Drive, which we followed with guac and chips and loose plans to catch a movie in the near future.
We didn't keep track of the par, which could have been due to how naturally conversation was flowing, or my date's chivalry, given how dire my golfing ability proved to be. Regardless of scorekeeping, Shortlist emerged as a clear winner.
Credit where credit is due, Berry-Smith had taken my personal information, interests, and style into account and delivered a match that pleasantly surprised me.
How 100 unsatisfactory dates created a matchmaker
Shortlist founder Sophia Berry-Smith was single for six years before she decided to make three key changes to her dating strategy. Six months later she and her new partner moved in together and now Berry-Smith wants to share those strategies and her success, hence Shortlist.
Berry-Smith spent the last two years in London, where, despite going on "probably a hundred dates" she found the experience of dating apps and swipe-culture to be unsatisfactory. Tired of being ghosted, harrassed or taken as a social currency, Berry-Smith said from New York to London, the problem was universal.
"The way we’re interacting on dating apps is not human, low effort behaviours are preventing us from finding meaningful connections," she says.
"People leaving New Zealand to go overseas do see the advantage of a larger dating pool, but the problems with app-dating persist."
It took moving back to New Zealand for Berry-Smith to make the conscious changes in her dating strategy that landed her a long-term partner.
“When I moved back, I thought, I am going to have to do something radically different to meet a partner in New Zealand [due to] the small market, so many people in my age groups in relationships, a real strong 'settle-down' culture here.”
Berry-Smith says she's open to clients of any age, but the primary age group using Shortlist is late-20s to mid-30s. This is partly in response to her own experience, returning to New Zealand from London, when she tried out matchmaker services and found them skewed towards an older demographic. Her goal with Shortlist is to bring matchmaking into the younger domain.
Although, just a note: at my own age and stage, where I’m not necessarily seeking a life partner, the cost to use the service does seem a slight barrier and more suited to an older group. It costs $400 for three "personalised introductions" (although at the time of writing there was a special deal of $250). And for an "all in" package of seven personalised introductions, the price is $700.
The rules of 'intentional dating'
So what were the key changes Berry-Smith made to her own dating strategy and has gone on to implement in her dating service?
She calls it "intentional dating". And these are the rules:
1. Cut off all the noise, ONLY speak to one person at a time.
"Speaking to one person at a time has such an impact", Berry Smith says. "On apps you might have ten chats open with people you don’t even know, there are all these distractions, but when you give just one person a full chance instead of listening to the noise, even if it doesn’t work out, the intentionality is there."
2. Have a phone call before meeting – and refrain from Googling them
Speaking over the phone allows potential matches to "check the vibe, set the plan, and avoid endless texting beforehand," Berry-Smith says. "It keeps things grounded in real connection, not performance." .
Berry-Smith advises people to refrain from the temptation to Google their match as well. "There's a natural urge to look someone up online, but I encourage people not to – it keeps judgment out of it and lets chemistry build in person, which is what intentional dating is all about."
In a pushback against algorithms and apps, Berry-Smith says matchmaking is not rocket science; it’s being human.
The verdict
I admit I went into this experience with some preconceived notions around the age-group matchmakers served and whether an outside source, well-known to me or otherwise, could be successful in reading my personality and setting me up with another person. But I found the experience offered by a matchmaking service refreshing.
Shortlist deleted the kind of fatigue brought on by dating apps: endless texting and swiping replaced by the honestly exciting experience of putting my trust in someone else's capabilities to find me a match, and then meeting that person in real life, with no prior idea of what they looked like.
The matchmaker element removed pressure from myself to find the date, and the offline nature meant I could really focus on fronting my own personality rather than bowing to app-dating and social media conventions.
Would I do it again? Well Shortlist's whole premise is that I shouldn't have to.
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