First week blues? What to do if your child hates their new school

Many kids in New Zealand will have started a new school this week and for some it's a painful transition. Here's how to help. By Emily Simpson

When Gabriel Thompson’s parents first decided to send him to a private school, the 11-year-old was entirely up for it.

“For him, it was going to be his first time in a uniform and he thought it had a Harry Potter vibe,” says Gabriel's mother, Beth. "He had a romantic idea of it.”

Gabriel had been “extremely social” at his previous school but had struggled in the classroom at times, due to his dyslexia. His learning difficulty assessor suggested that, rather than going on to the local intermediate this year, he might do better at the private school which has a reputation for providing strong learning support. And so his parents (who are divorced) pooled their resources to find the not insubstantial fees.

Photos taken and posted on social media on Monday night show a happy, excited kid trying on his smart new blazer. But the boy picked up after his first day on Tuesday was miserable.

“He cried that night, he said they told the kids about a million different ways you can get expelled from the school,” says Beth.

He was also lonely. “He said there are no cool kids there. He felt everyone looked uptight and boring.”

Wednesday’s pickup was worse. “Total emotional collapse,” says Beth. “He went to the nurse’s station in the morning and stayed there until the end of the day. He didn’t even leave for lunch. He spent the day sobbing.”

The school includes years 1 to 13, with year 7 to 13 in one part of the campus. A year 7, Gabriel, whose previous school only went as far as Year 6, was in shock. “There are adult-sized students all over the place and he’s tiny,” says Beth.

Jill Goldson is a counsellor and the long-time director of the Family Matters Centre, in Auckland. For decades she has counselled adults and children grappling with life’s transitions, not least starting a new school. “It’s a huge transition on multiple levels,” she says.

Step one for parents in this situation is to listen, says Goldson. Once kids reach age 13 or 14, they may choose to internalise their feelings, rather than share them, but the typical 11-year-old, like Gabriel, will vent and it’s important not to close them down, she says.

For those of us raised in the 20th Century, it’s tempting to make like our own parents and tell our kids to buck up/cheer up/get a grip, but what a sad child really needs in these moments, says Goldson, is empathy.

“Rather than saying, come on! You’ll be okay. It’s more, What I’m hearing you say is that you felt really rough today, it was embarrassing being in the playground on your own. Or, someone you thought was going to be your friend wasn’t there for you.

“Reflect their experience back to them. That’s the first step.”

Goldson suggests parents steer kids toward taking their new life one day at a time – which is exactly what Beth and her ex-husband have done with Gabriel. “We’ve said to him that if he still hates it at the end of the year, we’ll move him to a different school,” says Beth. “But we tell him not to focus on next week or next month, but just focus on extracting something good out of each day. Maybe ask another kid if they want to go to the tuck shop and get a pie...”

Goldson also recommends scheduling treats for your child to look forward to after school or at the weekend. The prospect of a pizza night or a catch-up with their cousins, she says, can be a bright light at the end of new-school tunnel.

Tweens are going through something called individuation. “It’s about coming to grips with who you are,” says Goldson. “And it matters massively which T-shirt you’re allowed to buy and most of all it matters whether you’re in a group or not. You’ve got to be part of a tribe.”

If your child is yet to find that tribe in their new school, Goldson suggests keeping them in touch with their old friends out of school. “Keep their social scene alive,” she says. “It helps them to carry a stable picture of themselves in their minds, even if they’re having a rough time.”

And although the job of making new friends belongs to the child, it doesn’t hurt for a parent to arrange a playdate, if the opportunity arises to talk to another school parent. “Set up situations where they can be social with their new classmates,” she says. “They will suddenly relate to each other in a more familiar way.”

Screen-time, smart phones and social media are huge issues of debate among all parents of this age group, but Goldson says now is the time to err on the side of softness rather than staunchness.

“There’s a wisdom in easing up a little bit over these difficult periods,” she says. “I think what we have to realise as each generation passes, is the relationship with screens gets ever more complex, and okay we have to find ways to limit it but we can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. If allowing a little more screen time helps a kid make the transition from summer into something new, this might be the time to soften the rules a little.”

Of course, some kids do like books. For kids under 12 who struggle to define their feelings, Goldson recommends How Do I Feel? by Rebekah Lipp and Craig Phillips (Wilding Books). Also, if your child is a reader, they might find solace in novels about other children (or tweens or early teens) struggling with anxiety, school or social problems – ask for recommendations at your local bookshop; there are many books on these topics in the Young Adult and Children's sections.

For some kids starting (and not liking) a new school will be a temporary experience that ultimately strengthens their already buoyant outlook.

But if feelings like anxiety and isolation linger, they could be damaging, says Goldson, who should know – she’s spent much of her career helping people come to terms with their school years. “People who were bullied can end up getting in relationships with bullies. School years can have a massive effect on the ease with which we move through life.

“Being able to surmount those difficulties is good for people too.”

Goldson suggests parents watch for enduring signs of manifest unhappiness in their children, such as sleeplessness, listlessness, lack of appetite and hair chewing.

Seeking professional help in the form of counselling could help at this point, as could talking to the school about the problems. Schools are usually reluctant to switch children from one class to another (if that’s what the child and their parents believe will improve things) but they will usually make exceptions in a strong case. “It’s a bit of a fine line talking to schools – they don’t take kindly to bossy parents,” says Goldson. “But these problems can compound and it can nudge up against school refusal which is quite serious.

If you do, after a term or three, decide that your child will be happier at a different school, just get on with it and make the switch, advises Goldson. “Sometimes a kid will simply be suited to a different kind of school and I personally don’t have a problem with school switching. One size doesn’t fit all.

“We want to teach our children not to catastrophise their problems. But I say to parents, if you have to change schools don’t catastrophise that either, people do this all the time.”

We spoke to Beth yesterday, after Gabriel's third day in his new school, and the mood in the Thompson household was looking up. “Today I picked up Gabriel and he walked towards me with a big smile and gave me a big hug,” says Beth. “He’d seen the school’s wellness counsellor for an hour and he liked her. He said he office was quiet and peaceful and she was kind.

“He was excited about his school subjects, excited about playing tennis, he’s met a boy he thinks could be a good friend. It was a complete turn-around.”

*Gabriel and Beth Thompson's names have been changed to protect their privacy.