Yes, it's been a long and, for many, a difficult year and tensions are running high. Here's how to avoid taking that out on your relatives on Wednesday. By Bianca Zander
It’s the most wonderful time of the year – and the only time when you’re expected to manifest a sweet day of intergenerational harmony with a bunch of people not of your choosing, who share the same facial features and character defects and know how to push all your buttons.
The bad news is, with buzzwords and real behaviours such as “brat,” “brain rot” and “polarisation” doing the rounds, we’re beginning to think it’s going to be a lot harder this year than usual. Without rehashing what we’ve all lived through, 2024 has felt unmoored, perhaps even unhinged. At the time of writing, Santa hasn’t been made redundant yet, but like everyone else, he’s waiting for the axe to fall.
None of us know what’s in store for us next year – we’re all just passengers on a driverless spaceship that’s run out of fuel and drifting towards an orange star cluster with immense gravitational pull – but one thing’s for certain. Along with the usual neuroses and personality disorders, we’ll be nursing some bruised egos and fragile bank balances around the Christmas tree come the 25th.
Is there an opportunity here to bond over what is depressingly common ground? Instead of gritting our teeth or slugging it out, are there ways to foster empathy for one another and find more connection this Christmas?
“Being together is about the richness of what happens when we are seen, heard, and held in three dimensions,” says the world’s favourite therapist, Esther Perel, in her Christmas newsletter. “When you come together with others, remember to see them in their broader context. It’s in this alchemy that we rediscover what is still alive, vibrant, and possible.”
Heartwarming Chrissy goals, but perhaps a bit lofty for us Kiwis. Could we maybe just make it to the pavlova without having a fight? Here are some tips to try:
Walk a mile in another gen’s shoes
Instead of judging Gen Z for their lazy work ethic or Boomers for hogging all the property, try to imagine what it might be like to be a young person or an old person in this day and age. And if you can’t imagine: go ahead and ask. What’s it like working in the gig economy with no job security and no plan B? What’s it like having to sell two or three rental properties in a flat market so you’ve got enough cash in the bank to get through retirement and travel to Europe each year?
Learn something new
Okay, that last one was an example of satire to prove this wasn’t written by chatGPT, but how about being curious instead of dismissive about where others get their news from? The teens I spoke to for this article are used to navigating complex online ecosystems and contradictory opinions, and their takes on hot topics such as toxic masculinity and the Russia-Ukraine war can be sophisticated and surprisingly nuanced. They are just as worried as their parents are about the impact of screens and how to interact with each other outside of social media, which dominates their lives, but they’re caught in a bind because quitting would mean being ostracised and not keeping up with the latest slang. If you feel like a good laugh, ask them to tell you some – then get them to ask you what words they associate with your generation.
Make room for different views
Millennials, who are neither old nor young, are universally worried about ever being able to afford a house, which isn’t anything new or shocking, but if you’re someone who owns even one, can you try to feel in your gut what it would be like if someone took that away? How would it affect your sense of security and optimism about the future? Before you launch into a debate about the pros and cons of a capital gains tax, because you think this is about politics, pause for a moment and remember that finding connection with other human beings is not about forcing them to understand things the way you do but about listening to what someone else has to say and making room for their reality alongside your own.
Respect your elders – but don’t buy water bottles from them
“Now that I’ve turned 60, I'm in sniper alley,” says one gent, who believes the decade between 60 and 70 is particularly high-risk for male health. After 70, he reckons the odds between men and women are more even. Says another gent, aged 79: “My age group in general is at a point where health-related problems are limiting opportunities and many are becoming bitter and disenchanted.”
Young guns – all three of you who are reading this – many of your elders have ailments and some of them are in physical pain. It’s why they are grumpy and why they get so easily drunk, because they take enough medication on the daily to run a pharmacy as a side hustle. There are exceptions to this rule, perky outliers who have more energy than you do, but beware of the ones touting futuristic glass water bottles that infuse ordinary tap water with molecular hydrogen and higher vibrations. If they try to sell you one of these water bottles after dinner, run, before you have to shill out 500 Euros (NZ$915).
When things get heavy, ask about jorts
Almost everyone surveyed, across the age spectrum, is preoccupied by climate change, Gaza, how to survive late-stage capitalism, and the threat to democracy from authoritarian governments and their tech-billionaire allies. Those things keep me awake at night too but for the sake of your sanity, I’m going to recommend you take a break from those topics over the festive season and instead ask your kids to spill the beans on broccoli tops and jorts.
If you’re already in the know, try another great mystery, such as, why do what we used to call hipsters now dress as androgynous agriculture workers from the early-20th Century? If you yourself are a hipster, why are you even reading this? You should be out on the farm. Yes, I’m aware that was borderline, which brings me to our next theme.
Are you calling someone out for their sake – or for yours?
Dealing with prejudiced microaggressions is another time-honoured Christmas tradition, and the best advice I’ve come across is that you have a better chance of educating someone or setting them straight if you get alongside them first. That’s probably not a feat you can pull off after a few wines, or by calling out aunty Pam and shaming her in front of the whole whānau, but it might be worth addressing later in private. On the other hand, watching someone call out aunty Pam’s prejuidiced outbursts is kinda fun, so if you’re game, be my guest. (Just be prepared to face counter-accusations of being woke.)
Compare music tastes – unless one of you is a Swifty.
Perel recommends comparing music tastes, because she reckons it’s much easier to bear out our differences in this area than it is with say, politics or economics. Is it though? In my family, we’ve come close to falling out over whether Taylor Swift is a pop star or a cult. A more fruitful question might be to ask the oldies what concerts they attended back in the day. Bonus points for Smokey Robinson, Tom Petty or the Doobie Brothers.
Trade on your mullet
Credibility and connection can be found in surprising places. If you’re a Boomer dad heading into Christmas, consider doing some prep and downloading some old photos. Those snaps of you in the late 70s and early 80s with a mullet, moustache or even a rat’s tail, will give fashion inspo to your grandkids for days, or let’s be realistic, a few minutes. Take it.
Bianca Zander is a writer living in Auckland.
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