Party survival tips from people who seem extroverted (but aren't really)

Do parties make you feel a bit anxious or just plain tired? Are you a dud at small talk? Turns out you're in excellent company. Melissa Stokes, John Campbell and other socially astute introverts share tips for making it through that upcoming social occasion.

This time of year brings plenty of social angst. For those lacking the support of friends and family, it's long been recognised as the loneliest time; while others are bombarded with invitations. And while the second scenario might sound the more covetable, plenty of introverts (or ambiverts) find their social batteries wearing dangerously low.

Here at TVNZ we're surrounded by people who know how to light up the room and seem like they'd love a party, but you'd be surprised by how many of them would really rather be at home curled up with a book or, say, watering their spider plants.

So we cast the net in the office (and beyond) for advice from socially astute introverts and were surprised to find it came back devoid of tips from males, with the exception of one (thanks John Campbell). We don't believe that men are immune to social angst or boredom, so where were their tips? Were they hesitant to admit to social vulnerability? That's an investigation for 2025. In the meantime, here's how to get through Christmas.

I always give myself a good talking to before an event/party, and a time frame. It feels much more manageable if there's a deadline, most of us could do anything for say 90 minutes. Like many things in life, this is about faking it till you make it – so commit to your time slot and get your charm on (for a short and specified time).

Find the kids! I’m at the age where lots of social events involve friends with children so if socialising with adults becomes too taxing and tiring, I chat to the kids instead. Children can be refreshingly free of social constraints or demands. You don’t have to talk about work or family – sometimes you can just build some Lego or do colouring with them. I find it to be such a nice socialising break.

Politely say no if you'd rather not go. I have a wonderful friend who throws these big incredible parties. I love that he invites me but also that he says, “love to see you there, no problem if you can’t make it”. Because he knows I’d rather catch up one on one, or in a small group, and if I do go to the party it will be for ten minutes and I'll skirt the room and go home. I just prefer to socialise with a maximum of four to six people. It’s not just an age thing, I’ve always been this way.

Focus on listening. When you tune into what others are saying you don’t focus so much on your own self-doubt. People will always say something you can bounce off by asking a question.

Have an "anchor". It might be your partner, or an extroverted friend – but it can help having that someone who you know, in the back of your mind, is there to gravitate to if your social battery is running dangerously low or you’re about to have a panic attack. Just don’t stick with them the whole time; that’s a little tragic. If you're a deep introvert and really need some time out, a trip to the bathroom is also effective for a brief break from mingling and being "on".

Don't be afraid to tell the truth. If someone asks, "how are you?" and you're feeling stressed about how the roast is going to turn out on Christmas Day, let them know. This gives the other person the chance to share how they're really feeling too, and often leads to a more honest and meaningful conversation. The how are you / good thanks combo tends to put a full stop on the conversation.

If you don’t dance, shuffle. As a wallflower at parties where people were dancing, I used to get accosted by people asking me what was wrong or if was alright. My tip is to nod your head and shuffle your feet a little as you stand at the wall. Then they think you're having a good time and enjoying the music and they leave you alone.

Do the circuit – in both directions. It can be terrifying arriving alone to an already packed room of people conversing, drink in hand, in tight little groups. My strategy is to move with intention, in a wide circle as if I’ve seen someone I know across the room. Sometimes you have to say “excuse me” to get past people and that interaction can pull you into a group or you could say, “great dress” or “great costume” and a conversation ensues. More often than not, you’ll see someone you know on your lap or they’ll see you. Huge relief. If none of that happens, I do a last desperate circuit in the other direction then dump my glass and go home.

Don’t play it too safe with small talk. Go hard to break the ice with something like “I stopped believing in god this week” or “rate the ten things in the world worrying you most right now.”

Keep moving. As a natural introvert my instinct is to find those one or two people I know and hide in a corner. But events, especially those where there’s an equal mix of strangers, are more fun if you try to move around. Find someone who’s smiling in the crowd, or looking like they too need someone to talk to. It doesn’t always work, but the awkward moments tend to be far out-weighed by the surprisingly fun, and friendly encounters where you meet someone new and, if you’re lucky, you might even make a new friend.