'Tis the season for neurotic perfectionism in the home and Leah McFall takes her yuletide instruction from the master.
Guess who’s back, just in time to terrorise us at Christmas? Yep, it’s Martha!
It’s arguable she never went away, excusing those months in prison for lying to the FBI. But after selling her empire and experiencing some difficult years, Martha Stewart is suddenly everywhere, on all platforms, 83 but still laser-focused on her brand.
There's Martha starring in her documentary saying bitterly of her arrest, “Those prosecutors should’ve been put in a Cuisinart and turned on high”. Here she is with Snoop Dogg, merching her own line of lighters. She’s just released her 100th cookbook, is writing a memoir and oh, baked 35 pies for Thanksgiving, a feat involving a literal pie chart.
Her return to the spotlight is perfectly timed. Christmas is the most neurotic time of the year, inspiring the most dread. As does Martha.
You wonder if anyone really goes to her farmhouse for Christmas. How would they even get in the door, so garlanded it is with fir branches, golden pears, living moss and chipmunks? But let’s not question America’s first lady of home entertaining. She knows better, and if we want to celebrate in elevated style, we must follow her advice.
So here are five of Martha’s classic Christmas ideas which, like plutonium, never lose their glow.
1. The handmade ornament
Martha was the first to professionalise the Christmas wreath. Once a simple arrangement of bent greenery, she added more elements than the periodic table. When she’d mown down all the available evergreens she moved to other materials, like wreaths entirely made of feathers, bells, or crystals. Once she hung one as big as a wagon wheel above her kitchen island, over a bowl of pomegranates. She offered no explanation for this.
Things were getting out of hand, so in 2011 Martha ditched the wreath and offered a protein-rich showstopper instead. Take a massive sack of unshelled walnuts and using a hot glue gun, stick them to a large Styrofoam ball. Spray the arrangement gold and hang it from a ribbon in a doorway.
Instead of standing hopefully under the mistletoe, why not experience the festive joy of a giant nut ball swinging in your face? This one was genius, Martha.
2. The turkey
Martha has a thing for turkeys. She brines them, smokes or roasts them, or takes one she’s already baked, pointlessly smothers it in pastry and bakes it again.
This mid-1980s recipe for turkey stuffed with plum chutney is easy by comparison, providing you’ve three days to defrost a bird the size of a Fiat Uno.
Martha seems to enjoy lifting the loose folds at the turkey’s neck and running her fingers underneath, unsticking all the skin from the flesh with her bare hands. Then she tips cognac inside the skin bag and rubs it around, before inserting a pattern of sage leaves. She does all this in a cashmere sweater and no apron.
Notice how bossy she is. When she slides her hand under the fat, she remarks: “If you have long nails, I think you’d better trim them.” This is so Martha, to assume you must be a slob and a little bit thick as well. She’s also forcing you to sacrifice your manicure for Christmas. Martha is all up in a dead bird’s cavity for the sake of friends and family. Why aren’t you?
3. The tree
Don’t get Martha started on the right way to rig lights or decorate. We’d be here all year. But it goes without saying your tree cannot be fake. Ideally, you’ll hike into the wilderness and uproot one yourself.
Real trees tend to droop, but here’s Martha’s pro tip. Before you stand it in a bucket of water and pebbles, drill a hole in the trunk and handsaw an inch off the bottom. Then use loppers to prune the branches into perfect symmetry.
Martha prefers Christmas decorations to observe themes. Inspired by Polish tradition, she once decorated her tree entirely with blown eggs, painstakingly hand-painted with gold, copper and silver designs. Europe had never seen anything so perfect; Martha had shamed a continent.
I can’t remember what year this was but soon after, Poland joined NATO.
4. The choir
Nothing will impress the neighbours more than hiring a choir to sing carols outside your house. Kind-hearted people tend to join choirs, so Martha probably didn’t need to pay these sweet-faced teens when they gathered outside her mansion in 2013. They serenaded her prettily, holding tiny LED lanterns which, you eventually realise, are sponsoring the segment. Martha wins again!
Bribe your singers as Martha did with her spiced cider punch, which she claims to be "so easy". First, layer two twelve-square-inch pieces of cheesecloth, placing eight strips of lemon zest at the centre.
You know what? Just give them five bucks each instead.
5. The bespoke gift
The beauty of making personalised homewares for loved ones is their meaning will live on, even after your death. Martha suggests imprinting a beloved family recipe onto a chopping board by coating its surface in craft glue, pressing down the hand-written recipe using a roller, and rubbing off the paper using a wet rag. Then you fix the impression left behind with a layer of clear glue. What a meaningful heirloom.
The board is now coated in chemical sealant, so good luck cutting a sandwich. Actually Martha specifies the chopping board is best not used for food. Still, don’t you love the idea of your loved ones being reminded of you every day, as they fix their toast, by an unusable chopping board? Make the messages count.
How about TO MY WIFE: I MARRIED YOU AND NOW I’M DEAD or, 24 HOURS, I WAS IN LABOUR WITH YOU. NOW WASH THAT KNIFE, OR EVERYTHING COUNTED FOR NOTHING. LOVE MUM
Satire by Leah McFall, read more of her writing on leahmcfall.substack.com.
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