We hear a lot about menopause these days, but what happens next? Sarah Daniell talks to five women about how life has changed post-menopause, for better and for worse.
Kate, 55, Wairapapa business owner: 'I'm in a very exciting new relationship'
I’m absolutely out the other side and feel pretty good now. I was going throughout-the-gate life events – grief – and perimenopause was happening at the same time. It was the rage that was the worst part for me. I don’t know how much of that was hormonal or life. At the time the rage was mortifying but now it’s quite funny.
I’m in a very exciting new relationship after many years of nothing. I’m floating along in a lust bubble. I feel like I’ve just come back into my body in the last few weeks of seeing her.
All the physical stuff they tell you about, the symptoms – not f***ing true. It’s just not the case. Not for me.
Vanity, body changes, weight… they’re not at the forefront of my thoughts. In some public spaces I feel less visible but that’s kinda good. When I want to be visible I am. I love dressing up, putting on makeup and doing a bit of "girl drag" as much as the next woman. But it’s not a major. I’m not looking at myself thinking “oh god, oh god”. Never.
It gets better. You’re not diminished, or “less”. That’s our fear isn’t it? We think we're going to be less. All of our lives we have to struggle against that, the penis paradigm: you only exist as you relate to that patriarchal idea, to the service you can render. My services to that have never been particularly whole-hearted and it’s really good to feel even freer again from that.
I look at other women around me who have been going through this, I see their vulnerabilities. But all the people I know who have come out the other side, they’re mostly grand. There’s a levity, a lightness. It doesn’t have to drag you, keep your humour and make friends with lube. It puts a shine on every day.
Inga (Ngāi Tahu), 57, Christchurch mother and professional: 'My libido is slowly coming back'
I’m technically postmenopausal. But I still suffer from all the things – flashes of anger, hot flushes. I’m trying to manage it. I wish I’d known more growing up about menopause. It’s not something to be ashamed of.
I’d been period free for 16 months and started to bleed again. They found I had cervical cancer, so my womb was removed but my ovaries are still there. The sad thing is, I suffer more from aches and pains and memory fog than I’ve ever suffered from before. When you’re trying to hold down a full-time job, you think, god there’s something wrong. Once I get back on to a decent supply of HRT patches, some of those symptoms will lessen.
It’s just about keeping positive in yourself, trying to keep active, knowing that ultimately there will be an end in sight.
The thing that makes me laugh the most, which is really ridiculous, is being able to wear white pants again. I had so many issues, especially in the latter part of perimenopause where I was scared to wear certain colours. So now I get very excited when I walk through a supermarket and I go haha! Free! I know it sounds silly but it’s little things and my confidence went boom. That fear factor is gone now.
There’s basically a lot of ignorance in the medical profession around menopause. I was prescribed antidepressants. They just said “it’ll help you manage menopause”. Well, it didn’t. This is rubbish. It’s too easy for them to try and pigeon hole the symptoms of menopause and not look at you more holistically.
My libido was good beforehand and it disappeared, and now it's slowly coming back. But just as mine’s coming back, my husband’s now impotent. So I'm like, oh awesome. It’s been years since I’ve had a normal sexual relationship and orgasm and it’s all those things – it’s too hot, too this, too that, I’ve got a headache. By the time you think “I’m alright let’s give it a nudge”, they’re “I can’t”. I’d love to think it will get better in time. But I've learnt to live without it and fill my life with other things that bring me joy. Cooking, photography, meeting people.
The other thing – the messaging around menopause, the ads on TV or magazines – make out like your life is over. It’s not. When I changed jobs recently, I told them, “I’m older, but I’m not dead yet. I’ve still got juice in the tank.” They said, “We love your attitude.” We have to get women to accept that while that part of their life is finishing, they are not defined by menopause.
What I love about this new generation – they’re so open. There’s nothing they don’t talk about. It’s what gives you hope for the future.
Brenda, 56, Northland, businesswoman: 'I've been focused on getting strong'
I’ve felt more lost than sorted. I don’t know if that’s postmenopausal or just life. I've felt this constant battle in myself between irrelevance and power. I’m over that hurdle, or marker point, but what do I do now? The flipside of that is giving less f***s and noticing the power I have. Being exposed to incredible women doing awesome things.
I was going through menopause at the same time as moving to a rural area and realising life outside a big city in New Zealand is very different – how do I live? I’ve been very focused on getting strong. I go to a gym several times a week, lift heavy weights. My body is responding to that intensity in a good way. There is also f*** all else to do in the countryside. I’ve been reading stuff about being a woman this age – you need tone, strength, more so than previously. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.
In a long-term relationship, desire and sex drive take a back seat. It’s just no longer front and centre and you have to work at that. Women aren’t so primal-y driven as men are. With two women, you have to fight even harder.
The (new) hyper awareness of menopause and how it impacts is really important. It’s like telling 20-year-olds how to save for retirement. What amazed me when I started going through this was yes, the HRT stopped the hot flushes, but it was the mental stuff that hit me. A lack of confidence, belief in myself. But you’re not going crazy. You just don’t know that then. I’ve seen how some have really suffered. As far as symptoms go, everyone is different. The rage comes from asking why there are no studies done on this, no research? It’s insane. The shortage of estrogen and HRT has caused huge amounts of anxiety. F*** yes it’s the patriarchy. So much research that is done is based on the population of men. So this rage is justifiable rage.
This needs to be part of the medical curriculum but also the wider education system and workplace awareness. It’s a real indictment on our society that we have to campaign for this.
Lisa, 60, West Auckland, artist, mother: 'As you get older you get smarter'
I say “kick down the doors and be open about it”. The advertising and narrative around it is negative but I feel generally positive. I had a lot of migraines during perimenopause and terrible periods, I don’t get migraines anymore and my health has improved a lot.
What I love right now is being a little more invisible because you can get away with all kinds of sh**. It feels like I’ve moved past the judgment. Society is so judgmental about women and it’s incredibly freeing – you don’t feel so vulnerable. I feel quite powerful.
I’ve been in a long term marriage and he’s always been positive and I'm very lucky with that. I enjoy my sex life, it’s really great. It’s not like when I was 20 or anything, but you’re so much more self critical when you’re young. There are things you can use too. Creams, pills.
The worst thing for your sex life is actually having children. Hands down. I was exhausted, working, looking after kids. I felt less attractive as a mother of young kids than I do post menopause.
I have really great friends and we have a laugh about it. Humour really is healing. It’s a fact of life – if you’re a woman you are going to go through all that stuff. As you get older it gets easier, you get smarter. As women, society tells us our currency is our sexuality and it's not. I think that’s why people feel a lot of grief sometimes. But it’s not at all the end.
Shona, 60 (Te Kuihi/Te Roroa/Ngāpuhi) Auckland mother, business owner in the fashion industry: 'My body is slowly peeling back some of those layers.'
My mother and grandmother had the odd period at 60 and I hope that’s not going to slap me in the face. It feels in hindsight that (menopause) was pretty okay but my family might say differently. I’m kind of a private person, so I don’t talk about a lot of those things, apart from to direct whānau. Some of the challenges then were mood swings – I think for a few years there I might’ve been a bit of a b****. I’d react to some of the small things that wouldn’t normally bother me. I’m getting there. I still get the odd hot flush but nothing like they were. I’m feeling pretty good. My weight… I feel like my body is slowly peeling back some of those layers. I’m feeling pretty good.
I suppose that stigma about menopause is out there, but I look at it more like this: it’s just another chapter in my life. I have to go through this. Us women have to go through a lot with our bodies. I guess being postmenopausal coincides with children growing up and having more freedom. Having more time for yourself and time to do things you always wanted to do.
The advice I might give to my daughter might not be very relevant to her. But I would say, it’s a natural thing that is going to happen to you, to your body. It’s being positive in yourself, doing things that make you feel good, in your wairua. It’s OK to reach out and talk about it. Make time for yourself, be kind to yourself. It’s coming so just embrace it.
Sarah Daniell is an editor and writer based in Tāmaki Makaurau.
SHARE ME