Falling in love? It's never too soon to talk about money

A life relationship is in some ways like a business agreement and full transparency is key. Victoria Harris from The Curve has some advice on how to raise the topic with a partner (and the importance of an emergency escape fund).

For most of us, first dates are awkward. What could be more tedious than sitting down for an hour with someone you don’t know, passing the time with superficial chat and pretending to laugh at their terrible jokes? In those situations, there’s a lot about ourselves we choose not to share, not least the intricate details of our credit card balance, or the fact that we can’t afford to pay for dinner because we had a blow-out on the weekend that included buying a round of margaritas for a regrettably large group.

But let's imagine that, amazingly, that first date has gone well. It was just a random Wednesday night, a drink with someone you matched with on Hinge, but to your surprise, their jokes were actually funny. You start scheduling date nights well in advance, meeting their friends, planning holidays, sharing Netflix subscriptions and talking about moving in together. Would now be a good time to bring up your credit card debt? Or the outstanding parking fines?

You might be thinking, “Absolutely not! I plan to get married before disclosing that I’m being chased by Baycorp”. But actually, right now, when the relationship is new and exciting and just getting off the ground, is the perfect time.

I understand your hesitation. Money and finance aren’t sexy. And you might think avoiding topics like salaries, budgets or bank accounts means living in blissful ignorance, prolonging that period where you portray yourself and see your beloved in the best possible light.

I’m here to burst that bubble. Research shows that money is a huge source of conflict in relationships. This is why starting the conversation early could save you major headaches and misalignments down the track. But most importantly, if you’re going to do life with this person, you need to be aligned on your goals, and most goals involve either saving or spending money.

By opening up communication with your partner, you can start setting goals for your future together. Let’s say you want to start a family soon. A child can cost up to $25,000 a year, not to mention the drop in income if one of you decides to give up work. But by setting clear goals and making plans together, you’ll be prepared for those changes.

Because, as controversial as this might sound, being in a relationship is kind of like a business agreement. You’ll often hear it called a partnership. Business partners would share overall goals and dreams, as well as day-to-day details of financial management – and you need to be approaching your relationship with the same attitude.

Bear with me as this might ruffle a few feathers… At first glance, it might seem shallow to think of it this way, but your choice of partner dictates the overall trajectory of your life. Particularly your financial trajectory. Life decisions are riddled with decisions around money – whether it’s how to split the bill on a date, or how to split the deposit on your first home. If you’re seriously considering being with your partner for a long time, then one thing’s for certain – make sure you are aligned financially. And if you’re not, wouldn’t you want to know that sooner rather than later?

So how do you make the awkward money chats, not awkward?

Admittedly, running a financial education platform means most guys probably expect me to turn up to the first date with a print-out of my bank statement. But I remember clearly when my boyfriend and I had our first serious money conversation. We were on a road trip in New Zealand (yes, stuck in the car so he couldn’t escape) and we needed to fill up with petrol. Should I pay? Or should he? Or should we split it? It sparked a thought, how easy would it be if we had a joint account for stuff like this? It would remove the awkwardness when at the till of who should pay for dinner, or like now, at the pump paying for petrol. So we jumped back in the car and I just threw it out there: “What would you think about a joint account?”

Even as someone who talks about money for a living, I still had small butterflies. But afterwards my only regret was that we hadn’t had the conversation earlier. It opened the financial floodgates and we spent the next two hours talking about how much we earned, how much debt was on our credit cards and where we wanted to be in five years. Being that vulnerable and open not only brought us closer, but removed the elephant that was showing up in the room every time we went to pay for something.

And if the response from your new partner is not what you expected, or every time you try to bring up money they make an excuse, don’t ignore these signs. It could be a red flag. Especially if you have approached the conversation in a supportive and compassionate way. Be brave but also if it feels super uncomfortable or not right, don’t ignore those signs either.

Talking about money doesn't have to be dull and boring. Grab a bottle of wine, or whatever sets the scene for a fun evening at your place, and start talking. There’s actually nothing more romantic than planning a future and setting goals together. Whether you’re in the honeymoon period or have been together for a decade or more, creating a vulnerable space to talk about money is a huge step towards intimacy.

Be completely transparent about your financial situation, including your income, savings, debts, and expenses. This is the only way to create a solid and trusting foundation for a relationship. The more upfront you are, the more honest they will be.

Money can be a sensitive and stressful topic for most, so make sure you approach the conversation with compassion. Make it organic and relaxed. You will both have had very different experiences with money, resulting in different money values and behaviours. Try your best to remember this and not be judgemental.

Despite having shared accounts and common money goals, it's also helpful in a relationship if you can each maintain an account containing money that's yours alone to save and spend. This is particularly crucial for women, as often we are the ones who take time off paid work after having kids. Your own account means that if you want to buy that oat flat white, or that bunch of flowers just because, no one can tell you "no". Always keep that independence. Your savings account should also hold your Emergency Fund (aka an F U Fund) so you always have the ability to extricate yourself from a sticky situation.

This is something to establish when you’re starting to share accounts and intertwine your finances. It means that you and your partner consult each other if you plan to spend more than an agreed amount, which could be anything from $100 to $10,000. It removes any imbalance, or anxiety and means you’re both on the same page. SUPER important if you’re trying to achieve the same money goals.

For more on saving, budgeting and investing, head to The Curve.