From unsporty kid to ripped, lean fitness machine (with undiagnosed orthorexia), 1News columnist Nats Levi has learned that true wellbeing lies between extremes – and definitely involves a choc top at the movies.
I was never sporty at school at all. Because my dad was an aircraft engineer, I went to a small international school in Malaysia where our hobbies were homework, maybe doing some more homework and maybe reading a book about the homework.
I grew very tall very quickly. By the time I was 15 I was 5'11" with very big feet – I felt like Ronald McDonald and I was always tripping up.
I started doing aerobics when I was at university in New Zealand and I remember co-ordinating a right arm punch with a left leg kick and feeling amazing. I was quite shy – really shy. But that sense of empowerment in my body was incredibly motivating. I could own my height rather than it just be a label.
I got a job at an island resort, teaching aerobics. This was in Australia, where my parents had moved. It wasn’t a career ambition – I was still thinking of becoming a teacher. Then when my husband and I travelled around for his rugby (Filipo Levi has played for the Highlanders, Samoa and other international teams) I ended up teaching at Les Mills part time.
I was following all the right advice and doing well in my fitness career. Do this for big muscles, do Pilates for a stronger core, eat this for lower fat... But it all became very attached to the idea of a certain look – and in order to keep up that look, I started over training. I was doing 20-odd fitness classes a week, as well as my own personal training, which I thought would improve my performance.
When it came to eating I was following all the rules for achieving a lean muscular body. It was very strict, cutting carbs and certain proteins, labelling foods as “good” and “bad” which sets up a really bad psychology. And that was on top of all of the over-training.
All of that combined pressure resulted in a disordered pattern of both eating and moving. I had orthorexia – an obsession with only putting healthy foods in your mouth. I developed reduced energy syndrome, and that led to hormonal chaos. I lost my menstrual cycle.
It’s such a distorted view – the orthorexic one. You’ll turn down some delicious rich, dark, anti-oxidant-rich chocolate, just because it’s chocolate. But you’ll eat some horrible, highly processed protein bar. I was missing out on toona'i' (a big Samoan family lunch). I wouldn’t eat the luau, which is delicious, a green plant baked in coconut cream.
People would say ‘You look so good! Have you lost weight? You look great. In my head I thought that people only came to my classes because of how I looked. But they were there for the sense of community.
I actually didn’t feel terrible. I’d felt so much pressure to look a certain way, to be considered a fitness professional, I was so driven and my head was so in the game, that I didn’t find any of it unbearable. But I knew I hadn’t had a period for a solid year if not longer and that gave me a feeling of guilt over what I had sacrificed in order to achieve this picture of “health”.
When I began to heal – that’s when I felt bad. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. My gut health was way out of whack, I was very inflamed. My joints felt sticky. My boobs and my bum got big. Running and jumping felt heavy. I had to feel that way and go through that. I knew it would take a long time for my hormones to come back on line and it took two years.
I just had to let go of knowing exactly what I weighed and what my fat level was. There were some clothes in my wardrobe I had to avoid. I ended up pulling myself out of the fitness industry for a while. I had to go away to get stronger mentally to work through it.
Full recovery took almost three years. As I fed my body, my brain became less foggy and I had more clarity of thought. That empowered me to learn more – what does health really look like? What is that pathway in terms of how we’re eating, moving, sleeping, and resting? I started to explore different avenues and sharing what I learned with fellow people in the fitness industry.
I distinctly remember a moment when I knew I was better. I was at a family birthday and enjoying a piece cake. Not a “health cake”, just an ordinary sugary chocolate cake, I ate it and liked it. Small things like that. Not taking my own protein dessert into the movies, I’ll have an icecream, they’re bl**dy nice a choc top, so lovely. Not that I didn’t eat that stuff sometimes before but I’d inhale it guiltily and it could trigger a binge.
I really enjoy eating with no structure. I used to eat five to six small meals a day. I wouldn’t touch bananas or potatoes – and I have an Irish background, I bl**dy love potatoes! And yes they have a whole lot of mineral content, but there’s also that pleasure of having some hot chips and a beer with your husband. There’s so much more to food than the nutritional and calorific content.
Everyone’s always beating themselves up. We love dogs when they’re healthiest and at their best size, why can’t we see ourselves the same way? Your body is at its best at its healthiest and how you do that really depends on you. Everyone is so unique. I think the goal has to be about feeling good. And your goals depend on your age – you might want stronger hips so I can walk up and down the stairs.
I feel that the body positivity movement is still at a superficial level. It’s there but it still needs to filter down through society and it’s going to take time. You have to realise that we’ve all been brainwashed. It’s wonderful to see big companies selling activewear in large sizes, they’re starting to change what they offer.
If you’re striving to reach fitness goals, don’t make them weight based. Look at other measures: your resting heart rate, your hormones, the clarity of your thinking. I preach realistic consistency. Start from where you’re at. Have small, incremental goals. If they’re too drastic – if you go from zero to running 5km every day – how are you going to keep that up? You risk burnout, injury, too much stress on the body all at once.
I don’t think an experience of disordered eating ever leaves you entirely. There will always be a side of me that I need to check in with mentally. I focus on eating a rainbow of colours (nutritious ones) but there’s nothing I wouldn’t eat now. Maybe an oyster. Never really been a fan.
Nats Levi is a senior planning producer on TVNZ’s Breakfast and group fitness instructor at Les Mills. (Story as told to Emily Simpson.)
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, talk to your GP. Or you can call the helpline at EDANZ 0800 2 EDANZ / 0800 2 33269 or (09) 5222 679.
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