How do you cope when your partner is newly unemployed and miserable about it? Read the advice of Maddy Phillipps (and email dearmaddy@tvnz.co.nz for advice on your own problems).
DEAR MADDY: AT the end of last year my husband lost his job which was a big blow to us financially. Throughout our relationship my employment has waxed and waned, while he's been the bigger breadwinner. But the problem isn't really financial – we can scrape by. The problem is his ego is so deflated he's become unbearable to be around. There's so much he could be doing around the house, but he prefers to drink beers and sit in a semi-dark room on his computer. He's very fussy about the jobs he will apply for, and he's still obsessed with what went wrong (or how he was wronged) at the last one. It frustrates me because I would love some free time to work on my fitness or do the many things around the house that need doing. He has that opportunity and he's just vegetating. Anything I say about it dissolves into a shouting match within minutes. How do I get him to show some self-respect without further crushing his ego?
Louise
MADDY WRITES: I really feel for both you and your husband here, Louise. In a relationship, it’s often hugely jarring when some shitty external event is visited upon one person. Even when the event was no one’s fault, and despite everyone’s best intentions to batten down the hatches and weather the storm as a team, over time it’s so, so easy to begin to turn on each other: moods lower, nerves frazzle, tempers flare, and little by little, tension and conflict and resentment creep into more and more nooks and crannies of your shared existence. And no matter how justified the grievances on both sides, as time’s arrow marches on, all that tension and conflict and resentment start to corrode the relationship from the inside out. Sound familiar?
I know you see your husband’s unemployed stasis as the main problem, but I wonder if the fundamental issue here is broader: that the two of you are approaching a big, yet solvable problem external to the relationship – him losing his job – in an individual, oppositional way, blaming each other instead of working together as a team.
Why? Well, Louise, the resentment in your letter is palpable, and the language you use – he’s vegetating, he’s fussy, he’s unbearable! – doesn’t exactly scream respect. Now, please be assured that I’m not blaming you for feeling like this. Of course the imbalance in household labour is unsustainable, the financial side is stressful, the obsession over the previous job is unhelpful, watching someone you love sink into an unhappy state is awful, and his shouting is definitely not okay. Clearly, the lack of respect is flowing both ways, and it’s completely understandable that you’ve ended up feeling resentful. But the problem is, if you’re thinking about your husband in negative terms then that will show in your words and actions, no matter how hard you try to hide it, which is only going to further lower his self-esteem, making him even less likely to apply for jobs, and even more likely to buy (yet another) box of Parrot Dogs and begin (yet another) 12-hour marathon of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.
The solution – at least in the first instance – doesn’t lie so much in getting your husband off the couch, as repairing your connection with him (if necessary, while he lays on the couch). And, annoying though it may be, it sounds like you’re currently much better placed than your husband to initiate this process in the pursuit of the greater good. So let’s prepare for your imminent stroll down the Relationship Antivenom Aisle, stocked with an earnest yet heady mix of understanding, empathy, and teamwork.
A job is not just a job
The first step to turning things around is understanding your husband’s perspective. What started off this whole mess was losing his job, but a job isn’t just a job. It’s an identity, it’s a sense of competence, it’s financial security, it’s a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Of course our worth does not actually lie in relentless productivity, and hustle culture is toxic, and we would probably all be happier living in agrarian anarchy, rising at dawn each day to milk the goat, churn the butter, bring a couple of bonny infants to the breast, and boil a giant cauldron of pottage to feed the older children… But solving the problems of late-stage capitalism is beyond the scope of this column, and for most/many of us, having a job means having a purpose. Conversely, not having one is profoundly destabilising. And I think that even in 2024 this can be particularly hard for men, who often still feel a strong sense of responsibility to be a “provider”.
Louise, it’s understandable that your husband has taken his demotion from the “provider/primary breadwinner” role hard. It’s also understandable that he’s ended up trapped in inertia, because finding a new job after leaving the last one in, uh, “challenging” circumstances presents a perennially horrible catch-22. To find a new job, you must harness all available reserves of hopefulness to motivate a concerted campaign of intentional action, while simultaneously battening down the hatches against the possibility of rejection(s). Unfortunately, losing a job basically hurls your self-worth into a burley mincer, dramatically lowering the chance of feeling motivated, hopeful, energetic, or resilient to further rejection. Neat!
The second step is communicating this newfound understanding to your husband. It sounds like he’s experienced some of your previous conversations as imbued with an accusatory flavour. True or not, you want to get right away from that with your new approach, so in the first instance forget about proffering attractive Seek listings, or asking how many jobs he’s applied for today. Instead, try simply explaining that you understand all of this – how hard it is – but you’re absolutely on his team/in his corner/insert alternative metaphor here. If true, you could even mention how grateful you are for his support when your employment has been more wane than wax, and say that you really want to be there for him in the same way now.
Handling it together
Ask your husband for his take on how everything has played out. Hopefully, your softly-softly, respectful approach will help him feel comfortable enough for candour, and in response, you can start to explain what’s been challenging for you. Then you can work together to figure out how to address the situation on all fronts – both professional and domestic. Maybe apologies are needed on both sides; maybe your husband needs help whipping his CV into shape; maybe he needs to speak to a recruiter; maybe you can start exercising together; maybe he needs to actively cut down or stop the drinking; maybe you two can figure out a cleaning roster; maybe you need to spend more time on your own friends and hobbies, so you don’t feel like your whole life revolves around his unemployment. Or – importantly – maybe clinical depression is a real, urgent concern, and he needs to see a mental health professional (see here for a list of symptoms to discuss together). But whatever needs to happen, so long as the underlying vibe is staunchly set at “We can handle this together,” there’s not many problems that can’t ultimately be solved.
Maddy Phillipps is a barrister, freelance writer and clinical psychology student. EMAIL your life problems to dearmaddy@tvnz.co.nz.
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