Six unconventional Valentine's gifts for six different kinds of lover

Sick of chocolates and roses and other romantic clichés? As Valentine's Day approaches Delphine Sanders defines six types of lover and an inventive gift they may (or may not) adore.

Valentine’s Day is a bit like going to a dental hygienist. It’s impossible to avoid. It involves parting with a decent fist of cash. There’s a risk of pain but when it’s over, you feel more attractive to your partner who is the only person, really, who should be anywhere close to your mouth.

This mutual satisfaction is the point of Valentine’s Day and as such it’s the most self-involved day of the year. It does nothing for the greater good of humanity as, arguably, a religious holiday might do. It makes smug couples smugger. It encourages coupledom between singles who seem to need gifts to get their relationships over the line. It encourages people who receive a gift to believe they’re empirically more attractive than those who don’t.

But if you must partake at the very least you want to give a Valentine's gift that isn't generic, that lets your partner know you truly get them. So, here are six unique gift ideas for relationships of every kind.

For straight couples, you can’t go past a his-and-hers colonic. Size may not be everything, but this is his chance to remind her that his large intestine is five feet long. Show me a woman who wouldn’t find this impressive?

This beautiful, shared experience involves you each lying draped in a towel with a discreet tube nestled up your rectums, gently rinsing your colons with warm water. Whatever you had for breakfast will bubble its way into a receptacle and be removed by a therapist in a Hazmat suit. To mark the specialness of the occasion, there will be a heart-shaped chocolate on each pillow and someone will dim the lights. You will feel moved, at a very deep level.

There’s something metaphorical about this – this disposal of built-up waste from your relationship, revealing the squishy pink newness of love underneath.

These are no-nonsense and practical partnerships, often decades-long. For him, I’d suggest a range of multipurpose lubricants to get rusted or stuck parts moving again.

For her? Drainage can be a problem, so I’d suggest delivering a bag of aggregate to the farm gate. Pooling will be a thing of the past, and her relief will be total. Just tie a red ribbon around the gravel sack, and you won’t need to put your feelings into words.

Isn’t it wonderful, the embrace of gourmet ingredients and cookware by Gen X metrosexuals? You can tell men are all up in home cooking because kitchens have become stage sets, with directional lighting, aggressive cooking methods (sous vide ovens, induction hobs) and dark, serial-killer-style cabinetry.

These men are attuned to the latest trends and love to demonstrate their mastery of techniques and tastes. For a while they shoved za’atar in everything, then it was kimchi. Presently it’s foraged food that appeals to this kind of person. Foraging involves digging up fungi, finding wild berries, and rooting out tubers but crucially, only in areas that don’t belong to the forager, such as roadsides, roundabouts, and other people’s gardens.

It’s middle-class stealing, basically – but food is love, and you can show him that you truly see him this Valentine’s by giving him a balaclava, some sort of claw implement, and camo pants.

Write something in the card to make him feel like a restaurant-quality chef. How about “You Can Clean My Grease Trap Anytime”?

Not everyone is blessed with personality, style, or original thought, and thank goodness. Personally speaking, I can only tolerate so many women with thick-rimmed glasses and a blunt-cut fringe.

For the mousy, unassuming, and uninteresting lover, nothing says ‘I love you’ more than one of those self-sealing silicone lids for half-tomatoes.

What loving gift for the generation who took everything? From observation, an NZSO concert subscription.

There’s nothing worse for a dog owner than running out of poop bags on a walk. It makes the last six blocks stressful, knowing if your dog relieves itself and there’s no long grass to kick it into, everyone around you (and they will suddenly appear, trust me) will see you watching your dog excrete and doing nothing about it.

A photo of your dog, its dump, and possibly your retreating back will then appear on your community Facebook page, and you’ll be digitally stoned by your neighbours.

Help your loved one avoid public shame with the gift of poop bags this Valentine’s Day. And not those cheap thin ones from the supermarket, either. Have you ever tried to scoop soft leavings into one of those? The risk of the plastic splitting and leaving you with a palmful of hot doggy-do is dangerously high. Get the good ones from the vet, and stop being such a cheap lover.

*Delphine Sanders is a pseudonym.