How you handle that friend who always elicits more information than you're willing to share? Read the advice of Maddy Phillipps – and email dearmaddy@tvnz.co.nz with your own problems.
DEAR MADDY: I have a friend who has a way of getting more information out of me about my life – and sometimes other people’s lives – than I’m comfortable giving. Every time we spend time together I prime myself to make my boundaries clear, but she’s great company and before I know it I’m knocking back the second cocktail and offering revelations I’ll regret later. She has a variety of methods – one is asking eye-wateringly direct questions that stun me to the point where I just stutter out the answer; another is revealing a lot about herself so I feel compelled to do the same; and her most impressive technique is to say something a little inaccurate so that I quickly reply “oh no that’s not the case, this is the case...” And I roll out another intimate truth I’d rather keep private. When I read advice on “establishing healthy boundaries” it always suggests saying things like “I’m grateful for your concern but I’m not comfortable talking about that right now”. That sounds good on paper, but in real life I’d feel like an AI robot. How do I make my boundaries clear without feeling awkward or rude?
Jen
MADDY WRITES: Jen, I get it. We all want to know how to set boundaries without sounding as stilted as Keanu Reeves in the improbably English-accented 1992 outing Dracula (or, um, any of his works before or since). In response to this collective need, content creators have scattered a mass of boundary-setting scripts across the internet. But unfortunately, as you’ve discovered, these scripts tend to be virtually unsayable by a normal human being. If they’re not wooden corporate-legalese (“I’m grateful for your concern”) they’re dad jokes purporting to deflect the issue with humour ("You're always digging for the juicy details, aren't you? Just call me Ethan Hunt, cause my life's a top-secret mission – classified information!").
So far, so unhelpful. But let’s pause and consider whether we’re asking the right question. If a boundary needs to be set, should our first question really be around the exact wording needed to communicate it? What if our first questions were deeper and broader – questions like what, exactly, are my boundaries? And how has a relationship dynamic arisen where they are repeatedly crossed?
What's your role in this dynamic?
Honestly, I think the initial impulse to find the optimal boundary-setting words is a red herring. We’re drawn to the idea of an exquisitely phrased pro-forma script, but in practice, the right words will vary according to the individual situation, and figuring out what to say hinges on understanding how and why the boundary violations arose and are maintained – which includes considering the role played by our own behaviour. If someone’s repeatedly crossing our boundaries, they’re doing it for a reason, and often that reason reflects uncomfortable truths about ourselves.
For example, a simple and very common reason for boundary violations is that we never articulated the boundaries in the first place! It sounds like that’s the case for you, which is important, because the sense I get from your letter is that you think, on some level, your friend knows you don’t want to share this intel. Based on that assumption, when she asks nosy questions she’s knowingly manipulating you – callously prioritising her need for gossip over your need for privacy. But I think that assumption is wrong, because as far as I can tell, until now you’ve not given your friend any reason to think this stuff is even an issue. If your responses have always come up to brief, you’ve never raised it as a problem, and you keep hanging out with her, why would she suspect that anything is amiss?
Also, there’s another possible explanation for her behaviour. Based on your description, your friend is the charismatic but slightly chaotic type – you know, a hoot and a half! – a livewire! – a firecracker! – I’ve run out of vaguely sexist, grizzled 1890s-prospector compliments! So, what if the habits you’ve described aren’t “methods” pinpoint-designed for maximum intel extraction, but instead symptoms of a charming, personality-filled yet somewhat helter-skelter prefrontal cortex? What if she’s direct and shares a lot because she’s a bit uninhibited, and she gets things wrong because she simply forgets the correct details?
Feel the fear and hold your tongue
Jen, here’s what I’m wondering, and I say this with love. Maybe the core issue here isn’t your friend repeatedly and intentionally violating your boundaries. Maybe the real problem is an internal tension between the need to respond authentically by keeping some things private, and an overwhelming fear that doing so will disappoint or upset your friend – hence your compulsion to give her the disclosures you think she needs in the moment, and self-blame after the fact.
If this rings true, then the answer here isn’t convincing your friend to change her behaviour (and you can rest assured that rattling off a canned line to “set boundaries” 30 times in the space of two cocktails isn’t going to change her well-worn patterns of communication). Instead, you need to focus on engaging with your friend authentically, instead of giving her the tea you think she needs more than air itself. This will feel scary, but sitting with fear and being yourself anyway is literally what personal growth is made of. And remember, given there’s no real evidence that your friend is doing the OTT gossip-seeking maliciously, her reaction to your new approach may not even be negative - she could take the change of pace completely in her stride.
Practically, start by identifying your boundaries. Decide what stuff you’re prepared to share and what stuff you’re not, and write it all down so you’re not put on the spot. Then use this knowledge to inform your decisions about how to respond in the moment – if the topic is something you’re happy to talk about, respond with the info; if it’s something you want to keep private, don’t.
How might not-responding look? Well, it might mean that, next time your friend shares an intimate account of her latest gynaecological travails you’re understanding, but don’t reciprocate with your own disclosure, because you can be kind without responding in kind. It might mean that, next time she gets something a bit wrong, you decide that a correction is more trouble than it’s worth right now, and let the matter pass. And it might mean that when she asks you a super-direct question, instead of giving her the information you think she needs, you simply ask her why she wants to know. I get it, that may sound terrifyingly confrontational, but it’s a legitimate question. And if she’s going to be direct to you, why can’t you be just as direct right back?
Jen, learning to keep schtum when you want to is a skill that’s going to take some practice, but the more you express yourself authentically, the easier it will become. Consummate expertise in judiciously withholding even the steamiest, piping-est, scalding-est, hottest of tea awaits you. Promise.
Maddy Phillipps is a barrister, freelance writer and clinical psychology student. EMAIL your life problems to dearmaddy@tvnz.co.nz.
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