How much is too much? Tips for not spoiling your kids this Christmas

I've always loved Christmas, writes Jane Horrell. But as a parent I've learned that – when it comes to presents – less is more.

In my 20s my beige flag* was getting all my Christmas shopping finished before December. Then I had children and became too busy dealing with 2am wakeups and trying to get banana out of my hair to brag about my organisational success. Now, as my young ones near four and seven, I can feel my love of the season returning.

But, as a parent, Christmas also leaves me conflicted. One of my core memories is sitting in our living room, crammed with relatives. It would take my sisters and me hours for us to unwrap what seemed like an endless pile of presents.

These days, I’m trying to recreate that joyful experience for my own young family, while also striving to hold fast to my parenting values. Summer days surrounded by family and friends – check. Delicious food and mismatched decorations – check. Mountains of toys that break before the Christmas pudding is finished – not so much.

I’m not against presents, especially when the cost-of-living crunch has limited little luxuries throughout the year. But, as we get by with less, I also appreciate having less clutter around. Frankly, my children don’t need a shower of gifts for the sake of it, especially when those gifts often don't quite hit the mark.

But challenging long-held family traditions and pushing back on well-intentioned gift-givers can be tricky.

In fairness, I’ve been part of the over-gifting problem. As a new parent, I fell into a trap of stockpiling things my three-year-old needed during December. I withheld necessities like new pyjamas, sunscreen, togs and crayons – then crammed them under the tree to create an impressive present pile.

I can’t explain why I thought that was important. I’d like to blame my sleep-deprived brain or those well-crafted seasonal ads.

Either way, I regretted it quickly. It meant my three-year-old spent December in pj’s two sizes too small. And I inadvertently set strong expectations for the next year.

This year, I’m adopting a practical strategy I stumbled on while waiting for my son to fall asleep and scrolling my phone. It’s designed to provide a thoughtful, well-rounded set of presents, while reducing excess. You could use it to keep yourself on track or assign one category each to family and friends.

Something they want: This gift is tailored to the child’s personal preferences, and lets you give them something they’ll genuinely love. It might be related to their interests or something they’ve expressed a desire for.

Something they need: This is probably the easiest to nail if your child can wait until Christmas to receive it. It might be something that improves their daily routine or wellbeing. Or it could support a hobby or meet a specific need. Think sporting gear, beach towels, an updated musical instrument...

Something to wear: Sun-smart swimming togs, breezy dress-up costumes and sun hats are usually big wins. If it’s for a niece or any other child that’s not your own, you might trip up getting the right size and colour. My daughter’s lanky legs mean she wears clothes two sizes up, so keep the tags on and the receipt handy.

Something to read: There’s nothing quite like bedtime snuggles with a good book.

Sometimes telling people their presence is the present doesn’t land well. Communication is key, as is giving people an alternative way to express their love.

I tested out a no-present policy at my daughter’s recent birthday party. I sent out invitations early which included a QR code. A quick scan led to a Starship fundraising website. After a middle-of-the-night visit with a child struggling to breathe, it was easy to choose which organisation to support. I encouraged people to skip bringing a traditional birthday present. Instead, they could donate to our fundraiser if they wanted to. The response was overwhelmingly positive.

Don’t forget to involve your child and set their expectations early. I had several gentle chats with my daughter to help her understand the fundraising concept. After reassuring her that she’d still get a present from Mum and Dad, she was mostly on board with the idea. It helped to show her the donations as they trickled in and remind her why Starship Children’s Hospital was important to our family.

This will be the first year I try the same technique at Christmas. I’m planning to get my family together and we’ll talk about what kind of charity we want to support this year. Hopefully, this will help normalise compassion, empathy and charity for my children.

Making changes takes focus and energy, and that's not always possible. With a solid plan in place, I’m hopeful I can steer my family towards a meaningful and simplified celebration. And one that nurtures empathy and gratitude in my children.

*For Boomers and Gen Xers requiring a definition, a beige flag is a trait indicating a person is mildly dull if benign. As opposed to a green flag (good) and a red flag (bad).