I'll be the first to admit I'm not the litmus test when it comes to reality television.
As a superfan of shows like Survivor and The Amazing Race and Celebrity Treasure Island for the past few decades, my enthusiasm is larger than your average person.
Which is why, as I sat on the couch watching the latest episode of CTI with my husband Ryan, who I had a hard time convincing to even watch the season I competed on and won, and he leapt off the couch with his jaw on the floor, I knew this was one of the greatest episodes in Treasure Island history.
But first, let's record scratch for a second *rrrrrp* and bring it back to the start of the episode, where the mystery of Bree's box was left on a cliffhanger.
"What's inside this box is about to change this game as you know it," the host tells the remaining contestants.
New Tohorā captain James Mustapic won the box, and whatever comes along with it — good or bad.
This is almost as intense as the scene where Brad Pitt opens the box in the film Seven — although there's no head in this box, only a scroll.
"Team Swap!" reveals captain James.
"The holder of this scroll must choose three people from each team to swap sides."
Oof — as someone who had to send one member of my team to the other season during Fans vs Faves, I know what a devastating decision that is to make as captain, and James is quick to tell us "I'm not good at making decisions."
Well you don't have long to improve, James — Bree wants an answer, like, now.
Ultimately the comedian overcomes his decision-making fears and actually shows real, decisive leadership — he picks challenge strongman Nick Afoa, fellow comedian and quiet assassin Courtney Dawson, and "Shorty Street Guy" Blair Strang to join him over at Tohorā.
He also has to send over three of his own teammates to the other side — and he picks nice guy Matt Gibb, unintentionally hilarious Turia Schmidt-Peke, and Mel Homer — who is surprisingly powerful with two secret clues up her sleeve at this point.
"The teams are now in complete disarray," Matt Gibb sighs.
"Everything we thought we knew has just gone out the window. Without a single moment's hesitation, [James] was like 'Matt!' So he just knew that he wanted to get rid of me."
For comedian Laura Daniel, she's more concerned about the fact that James has inadvertently sent Matt Gibb over to a team with his former Studio 2 presenting buddy Jordan Vandermade — could they team up and become a powerful force in the game?
After a montage of the two new teams getting to know one another, helped on the Kārearea side by the fact that Matt, Mel and Turia stole half the meat from their old camp, it's charity challenge time.
Turns out Courtney Dawson is a fantastic lipreader (there's money to be made in that skill, I swear) and she walks away with $5k for her charity the Middlemore Foundation.
Back at camp, secret scrolls are on everyone's mind.
"We literally have all the options because we have the Mercy Card," muses Eli Matthewson, recalling the scroll that would save a player if they were to lose an elimination battle.
Over at Tohorā, Blair Strang decides it's time to share his advantage with his new team. So what is it, you ask? I'd bloody love to tell you, but we are frustratingly left in the dark by producers. All we have to go off is a series of cryptic clues from those Blair told.
"His scroll is a huge power play," Courtney tells us.
"It's a great card. Nice work whoever came up with that," says James.
And from Laura — "His scroll, we've never seen on the show before."
WHAT IS IT?!?!
I guess we'll just have to wait, because it's team face off time, where new captain James Mustapic appears literally carried on the shoulders of Nick Afoa and Steve Price as the team chant "ooh, ahh, Tohorā".
Seeing both James Mustapic and Eli Matthewson standing there as team captains is a sight to behold — "Look at this! Homophobes everywhere are going to be furious," Eli laughs.
The gay agenda is alive and kicking.
I'd love to say it's a close battle, but Tohorā easily stomp home with the win, even with a wobble at the 11th hour from league legend Steve Price, who was unable to shoot his ball onto the raised platform.
"All I can think of is 'Dad you're embarrassing us!'", he sheepishly tells us — his daughter is, of course, Australian netball star Jamie-Lee Price.
But not to worry — his team wins, and it's up to "the dictator" James to decide which two players are going up for elimination.
Physical threats Jordan Vandermade from Kārearea, and Nick Afoa from Tohorā are chosen for the battle, and it's a fierce one.
For more than two hours, the pair go head to head balancing on tiny footholds on the side of a wooden structure while holding onto two suspended ropes.
It's an incredible feat of strength, willpower, and sheer doggedness to win — it's truly something to behold, and unlike any endurance challenge the show's ever seen.
But as the clock near two hours 15 minutes, Jordan looks over at Nick and says "Nice job, my bro. I'm out," and steps down from the footholds.
The man labelled a villain by many, who's certainly delivered his fair share of dramatic moments this season, looks like he might be going home, until…
"Wait a second, Jayden," we hear captain Eli Matthewson pipe up.
"I'm holding the Mercy Card. Jordan earnt this for our team. After that, there's no way he's going home."
Remember, this card gives its holder the power to save a player from elimination.
"I'm using it now," Eli says.
To camera, Eli confesses "I've played my trump card. I feel like credits roll, that's the end of the episode. What a shocking twist. Fun, fun, fun for the whole family."
And then, in a moment sure to go down in Celebrity Treasure Island history, Blair Strang's hand goes up.
"Wait a second Jayden," he pipes up.
"It gives me no pleasure to do this…"
But what this is — well, we're going to have to wait. But given the look on the rest of the contestant's faces, the game will never be the same again.
Matty McLean is a former winner of Celebrity Treasure Island, and will be interviewing the eliminated contestants for 1news.co.nz
You can watch the current season Monday-Wednesday at 7.30pm on TVNZ2 or catch up on TVNZ+
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