Kerry Suter was once a champion ultramarathon runner, but three months ago, a mountain biking accident left him paralysed from the chest down.
"When the injury's so bad, your head on a pillow and nothing moves, you wonder … whether you'll find purpose," he said.
"You wonder if life is worth living."
Just the weekend before, he and fellow champion ultra-marathon runner Rhys Johnston climbed Ruapehu, Tongariro and Ngauruhoe in less than a day.
"Rocks and scoria and, you know, bloody knees, and bloody hands."
On the day of his accident, the two were blowing away the cobwebs on mountain bikes in Rotorua's Whakarewarewa forest.
"It was an ordinary Saturday morning … I wanted to go and try a trail that was probably next level for me and where I felt I was comfortable to start pushing," Kerry said.
But 50 minutes into the trail called Jekyll and Hyde, Kerry misjudged a drop, went over his handlebars, and broke his neck.
Rhys gently cradled his mate's head.
"His body was lifeless. From his shoulders down he initially could just, with his right hand, just squeeze my finger," Rhys said.
Kerry was quickly medevacked to Middlemore's intensive care unit, but after 70 hours of surgery, staff confirmed what he feared - the injury had left him tetraplegic.
"I have mobility of my shoulders and a little bit of my arms," Kerry said.
"Under about armpit level ... everything is a wreckage below that."
Kerry spent three months at Auckland's Spinal Rehabilitation Unit. He said every day was a struggle.
"I have to have a permanent catheter. I can't operate my own bowels, and I can't cough or sneeze, and I have to talk in short sentences."
"[It's] very hard not to be pessimistic, to be honest, because every day you're dealt the same terrible hand.
"And you've just gotta find new ways to play it, so every day you're in that hard part of the ultra-marathon where you don't know if you're gonna get to the finish line."
But with the help of his partner Ali, he's learning how to go back out into the big wide world.
"This is really hard because I realised that when I had the accident, you know, I kind of ruined her life too."
"She's loving, she's caring, she's patient, she's so kind. She has so much empathy, she's taught me so much in that regard.
"I'm strong but she's much stronger."
Kerry said it's a journey made of small wins, simple things, like using a fork.
And some recent news has him fighting - after six years of IVF, Kerry and Ali are having a baby.
"We can't spend our whole time looking over our shoulder.
"The rainbow's actually always in front of us, so there's no point grieving for any longer than you need to."
Today he's recovered enough to be discharged and will soon head back home to Rotorua.
"You realise that the sun feels great, you can feel the wind across your body ... it's all of these things in life that still exist.
"I have kids, I have a beautiful partner, she's pregnant, life's worth living."
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