Black Ferns hooker Te Kura Ngata-Aerengamate says she suffered “a mental breakdown in front of everyone” on the recent end-of-year tour.
Ngata-Aerengamate posted on social media on Monday evening about her recent struggles, saying comments from a coach over the years since her Black Ferns debut in 2014 had affected her.
“One week post tour and the emotions are real. The should I speak up or should I stay quiet runs through my mind a thousand times. Never would I have ever thought that I would become mentally ill in a sport that I loved so much," she wrote.
“I didn’t perform the way I wanted to this tour. And the way I have been playing the last few years hasn’t been my best.”
Ngata-Aerengamate started two Tests and come off the bench for a third during the four-match tour in which the Black Ferns suffered four-straight losses to England and France.
It was the first time the Black Ferns have lost four Tests in a row.
The 32-Test veteran said the tour was the culmination of years of struggle.
“Over the past 8 years that I have been in the Black Ferns, I have struggled mentally and finally let it all out on the most recent tour.
“Yes, I had a mental breakdown in front of everyone.”
She levelled a number of allegations towards "head coach".
Ngata-Aerengamate said her confidence had become so low from the comments allegedly made over a number of years she found it difficult to take the field.
“From these comments I ended up going crazy. I had to do anger management counselling, I had discovered anxiety & hyperventilating for the first time in my life, I could hear these comments in my mind as I threw the ball,” she said.
“My confidence and self esteem was so low that it made me play like I was walking on egg shells and was constantly too scared to express myself. I invited self doubt and insecurities; some being unbearable to look myself in the mirror.
“The reality is that I had been defeated and it was so dark that I could no longer see my WHY. I had forgotten about the 5 year old girl who started playing rugby with her cousins 25 years ago.
“I let the words over the years get to me, the words became the flesh.”
NZR "incredibly serious" about situation
New Zealand Rugby’s head of professional rugby Chris Lendrum responded to the post Tuesday morning in a digital press conference, telling reporters his first priority was to ensure Ngata-Aerengamate was okay.
“I've sent her a message this morning outlining our support and care for her, and that we're here and ready to talk when she is,” Lendrum said.
“And I know a number of other people in and around the Black Ferns programme are talking to her and doing the same.
“Clearly we take any issues raised like this incredibly seriously, we're really proud of our national team environments, really proud of our Black Ferns, and in their case we have a review underway into their 2021 year and the northern tour.
“This issue will be looked at thoroughly as part of that review, and we'll go from there.”
Lendrum said he had also spoken to current head coach Glenn Moore about the situation.
“He's obviously distressed and upset as well,” he said.
“I think it's really important for me to acknowledge that we've got duties to everybody involved in this case. Glenn's a long-serving employee of NZR and Te Kura's a long-serving Black Fern, who've worked together for a long time.
“It's obviously tough time for him and his whānau as well. Absorbing those comments.”
Lendrum said it will take some time to review the situation.
“We're 12 hours into this. We have to get our processes right to get to the bottom of this situation, and I don't want to pre-judge any of that now.”
Ngata-Aerengamate’s post has been met with plenty of positive support from teammates such as Chelsea Alley, Dhys Faleafaga, Carla Hohepa and Ayesha Leti-Iiga, as well as All Blacks Ardie Savea and TJ Perenara, sevens stars Ruby Tui and Tyla Nathan-Wong, and Olympic shot put icon Dame Valerie Adams.
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