Green Party co-leader Marama Davidson has struggled to get though her first interview recounting sexual abuse at the hands of an older relative as a young girl.
If you need support, click here. There is a list of numbers to call at the end of this story.
In the extended interview with Newstalk ZB in production with NZ Herald , Davidson describes having an older male distant relative, who had been staying with her family for "some time", frequently visiting her in her bedroom when she was eight or nine.
At many times during the interview, Davidson has to pause and clarify in her own mind how the events during that period played out, and what her reactions to them were.
She says the ordeal was actually made even harder by the fact she had a loving family, and by a desire to protect them from the guilt they would feel if her abuse was exposed.
"In a lot of cases, having a strong, loving family, actually gives you a different sense of obligation to them that can even more so silence you," Davidson says.
"So people need to understand, especially when you feel you have unconditional love, is when you will feel most challenged about upsetting your family and protecting them from the emotions.
"I knew they would be hurt and feel guilt if they found out what had happened to me."
The Greens leader said dealing with the abuse as a child required her to separate it in her mind from her family.
"I still maintained my loving connections to my family, but for the incident, I separated it out. I put the incident and all of my feelings about it to the side, to the side..."
At this point in the interview, Davidson has a momentary recollection.
"Oh no, no, it's all coming back to me now. No, I acted up, I remember now," she said.
"I had some troubling behaviour as a little girl, I didn't know how to respond. I didn't know to tell people the real reason of what was going on, and I probably didn't even know what was going on, but I did start acting up."
Davidson said she started to get "really clingy" to her parents.
"I didn't want them to leave my sight because that's when the abuse was able to happen" she says.
"So I was screaming, yelling whenever they had to leave."
Davidson first revealed her abuse as a child when a female family member brought up their own experience with the relative. She says the man is now dead and no charges were ever brought against him.
On April 8 this year, Davidson won the Green party co-leadership after a contest with MP Julie Anne Genter.
If you need support, call: 0800 842 846 or visit the Victim Support website for organisations that can help.
Are You OK – 0800 456 450 family violence helpline
Shine – 0508 744 633 confidential domestic abuse helpline
Women's Refuge Crisisline – 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE) (for women living with violence, or in fear, in their relationship or family)
Shakti Crisis Line – 0800 742 584 (for migrant or refugee women living with family violence
Rape Crisis – 0800 883 300 (for support after rape or sexual assault)
Full story: Speaking Secrets: Marama Davidson's painful memory of sexual abuse
SHARE ME